I have been on a blog hiatus! I guess because it’s the summer or because I wasn’t sure what to “write home about”, BUT now that summer is coming to an end and school is around the corner (or starting for some) I figured I need to get back at it! I have not only been on a blog hiatus but also on an exercise, eating right, and just plain acting right hiatus!!! Last week I was visiting a friend and this is that friend that even though summer is here and she lets on that she is binging like me, we all know her butt (an amazing one at that) is still up at 7 am working out and she’s eating right with the exceptions of weekends. Let’s admit it, SHE IS DISCIPLINED! Anywho, I love being with her, not just because she makes me laugh and more, but because when I am with her in a bathing suite I feel like a heifer! It makes me want to GET DISCIPLINED! So for the last week I have been getting back on track! You know, because just staying on track takes all the fun out of life! Ha!
In the mornings I usually go power walking or do my elliptical (I am determined to prove my husband wrong about it being a $1000 coat hanger)! I have to build up to my P90X that I still have to prove him wrong about too, but that is a different blog! Today I was walking on my new route. I went down my road (about a 1/2 mile) and since I didn’t have my 2 year old with me, I decide to go walking on the main road. It is not a major highway, but it is a two lane paved farm to market road that goes to my town and gets you to a main highway intersection. It also comes complete with some big trucks, 18 wheelers, horse trailers and more! Also our farm is about a mile down wind from the feed yard, so cattle trucks are on our main road a majority of the time too! Hence the reason I don’t take the little one on it. BUT ME, I’m a big girl! I can handle it!
I start out at my gate, down the main road, when I first encounter the smell I fear the most…no, not my husband after Mexican food, a SKUNK! Now mind you, not only have I got back to my power walking because I feel like a heifer, but because it is the best time for God and I to have our come to Jesus meetings! I started praying as hard as I could! I don’t think I have ever prayed as hard as I did in that half mile…”GOD PLEASE DON’T LET HIM FIND ME! PLEASE HELP ME GET PAST HIM!!” I have never been sprayed, but my husband has and it is AWFUL! Today it was NOT happening to me because God answered my prayers! I never saw him and he never saw me!
For the next part of my venture, I mean walk, I usually turn on the the county road where our farm meets at the corner, walk down about another 1/2 mile until I get to our cotton field then go into our side gate. Right now the pasture at the front corner of the farm is not being grazed so we have a lot of wild sunflowers growing. It’s not too thick but I have to squint pretty good to see through them at some angles. As I start approaching the corner to turn on the county road, I see two vehicles parked. A little gray sports sedan and little gray toy truck. The drivers sides were pulled up next to each other. I see a tall man leaning over in the small car’s window, talking to the other driver. Thanks to my innate ability to lose expensive sunglasses or scratch them all to hell, I don’t have on my prescription sunglasses. I am squinting extra hard to make out what is going on over there. At the same time this is occurring, the voice in my head was saying “TURN AROUND! DON’T DROWN!” While the OTHER voice in my head was saying, “Keep walking! You will be fine! You can scale that high fence if you had to! You can out run them if you had to! It is not a drug deal going down! It is not two people you know about to get caught in their secret affair! Keep walking! This is screwing up your plan!”
Do you ever have those two voices in your head? You know, the wise one and the dumb ass one? My mom always told me the wise one is the Holy Spirit guiding me and the dumb ass one (my words) was the devil trying to get me to make bad decisions. She has always held to her theory, “NO PEACE, NO GO”. That means if you get a gut feeling about something, and the Holy Spirit has not given you peace about what you are doing, then you don’t go do it!! NO PEACE, NO GO!!
Because I also have the innate ability to not listen to my mother very well, I didn’t listen to that wise voice and I headed on into the flames. As I get closer I can see that the man is a tall drink of water with longer curly grey hair hanging out the back of his white ball cap. He is in his early 60’s. The driver he is talking to is a young woman with platinum blonde hair in a cute Sassoon cut. I know all this thanks to my ingrained ability to pay close attention to the hair magazines in my mom’s salon and all the detective shows I like to watch. As I round the corner, I see her hand him a shot gun out of her window!!!!! At this point I have no where to go. Neither of them have seen me and all I can pray is “OH CRAP!!!! GOD PLEASE DON’T LET THEM SEE ME! PLEASE HELP ME GET PAST THEM!!” The man starts to point the gun in my direction and I yell, “Hey! Hey!! Now you’re scaring me! I’m just walking! I know I’m not in a cute Nike outfit but it’s not worth shooting me for!!!” He looks up and in his deep voice and long southern drawl he says, “Where did you come from?”. I am still walking at a stellar pace and I can now see that the young blonde is crying. I recall hearing them discuss a situation but all I could make out was him asking her if she was sure that was what she heard. He stops pointing the gun in my direction by now but I can I feel I am really AT THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME!
I said back to the silver fox, “I am just out for my morning walk! I am trying to get the fat off of this body!!” Then he says to me, “Well, if you get tired of walking you could always run…” I replied to his running suggestion with, “I’m good with walking, thank you.” Then he replied again with that deep southern voice, “I was meaning I could help you run…” I believe I may have started praying in tongues because I WAS SCARED!!! In a split second I saw the whole thing go down, a whole Bonnie and Clyde event!!! I would start running and as I did the young blonde would get out of the car with two loaded pistols and begin firing at me while he was loading the shotgun. Because I am a fast runner I get far enough away to start scaling our high fence and head to the pecan trees for protection. But as I start climbing, I feel an indescribable burning pain in my leg. I have been shot! One of those bullets in her pistols has gone right through my leg! I use every ounce of my being to climb but I can’t do it…I keep falling. They are headed towards me. As they reach me, he yanks me off of the fence and drags me back down the road by my hair. He shoves me into the back of his truck while the blonde throws the pistols in her car and speeds off. He climbs into the cab and punches the gas and I’m never to be heard from again.
THANK GOD THIS IS NOT WHAT HAPPENED! I said back to him in my cute, sweet, southern voice (hoping that a cute, sweet, southern voice was also in my repertoire of innate abilities), “You better not! Shooting the fat off is not helpful!” I kept walking and wouldn’t look back. I could feel eyes on me. I could feel the hair on the back of my neck standing up. I was walking as fast as I could! I mean I might as well have been running ’cause the pain in my side was like I had been running for miles. Why didn’t I break out into a run you ask? BECAUSE I DIDN’T WANT TO LOOK SCARED! You know, I’m tough, I can take care of myself, no one will ever see me sweat!
For all I knew, I had been watching too many Longmire episodes and this was just a great daddy who’s heart broke little girl was bringing him his shotgun so he could go have his own come to Jesus meeting with a mean ‘ole boy who broke her heart!!! Yes, that whole scenario played through my head too!!!
I finally get to my side gate at the cotton field and I see Franco cutting vines and brush off one of the fence lines with a machete. Franco, who has worked for us for 14 years and who doesn’t speak English and I know doesn’t read sign language, doesn’t see or hear me. Now my prayer turns to “GOD PLEASE LET HIM SEE ME!” as the next episode of border wars starts playing in my mind.
I am also still praying that Bonnie and Clyde are not creeping up in their cars behind me. I am praying that God and my big hairy angels are protecting me. I see Franco come out of the brush with the machete drawn! I start yelling “Franco! Franco! It’s me! Krista!” When he realizes it is me he looks at me with a puzzled face and he has the “what the hell are you thinking?” look in his eyes. I try to explain in my non Spanish speaking language that everything is OK, I am just walking. Of course I am using the universal sign for walking. You know, arms pumping and marching in place. Isn’t that the one you use when the other party doesn’t know sign language? My way of putting an “o” at the end of my words and using a Spanish inflection was not working. For those of you who do not live in South Texas, that is what we white folk do when we don’t know Spanish. He was now smiling at me, but I could still see the confusion in his eyes. Then I remembered a few Spanish words we use to describe fat back ends. I pointed to my ass and said, “!Gordo nalgas aqui!”. He got that and laughed and laughed as I walked on by.
I made my way around the cotton field and finished my come to Jesus meeting with God. I had to ask for forgiveness for not listening to that still small voice. Then I thanked Him for protecting me through my stupidity. Needless to say, I not only didn’t get my gordo nalgas blown off with a shotgun nor did I get them chopped off with a machete, but I got the crap scared out of me. I think from now on I will just walk around the cotton field a couple of times to get the same distance. Getting scared a little jerks you back into place and believe me I AM BACK INTO PLACE!
Word to the wise, remember to listen to your gut, that still small voice that is telling you to think before your speak. The one that says don’t watch that, or read that or listen to that. The voice that reminds you not to eat that or drink too much so your mouth overloads your brain. The voice that says you probably shouldn’t go down that road, or get in the car with that person. The one that tells you to go back in and check the curling iron or to walk out of that place you just walked into.
“TURN AROUND DON’T DROWN!” Happy walking everyone!